Suicidal Dream
by jade
Summary: A vignette of Hotaru in the S season of Sailor Moon.


I think that there is far too little spotlight put on my favorite sailor senshi. I'm not sure. Maybe the storyline and complex character scare people away??? There's not enough spotlight on any of the outers. I think this is because the show is called Sailor Moon. If it was called Sailor Saturn, it would be really dark and super cool. I'm not biased. Er, so here you go. My tribute to the best season of all, a vignette of Tomoe Hotaru during the S season. 

Gotterdammerung- A German word meaning "Twilight of the gods." In English, the word is used to describe a massive collapse and destruction with great violence and disorder.

(Reminded me of this.)

Disclaimer: I don't own Sailor Moon. Nor the song "Suicidal Dream" by Silverchair.

Warnings: This is very graphic and may not be suitable for some readers. Check out the rating people. I did it just to be on the safe side though I feel it's right.

Suicidal Dream

**_"I dream about how it's gonna end, approaching me quickly."_**

****It was stupid. It was just a stupid prank wasn't it? Stupid, stupid. Why did bother her so much then if it was just that? Maybe because that prank was just one more way to tell her that they hated her. Feared her, loathed her. What was it about her presence that made others turn away from her? She didn't understand. Why should she be understanding? Understanding of the pain they caused her. But there she was, trying to be nice to her other classmates who laughed at her, tripped her, shoved her.

            "Freak!"

            "Weirdo!"

            And then she would start crying. It was stupid. Stupid for giving in and showing them how much pain they had caused. Would they stop if she didn't react? Why was her soul always kind when it should be twisted with bitterness? Bitterness and resentment towards them. Towards everyone. But still her soul was kind.

            She couldn't stop it.

**_"Leaving life of fear, I only want my mind to be clear,_**

****It wasn't the only thing that she couldn't stop. The darkness that settled in every so often. There were no memories of what she did while it was at work. Then she would suddenly awaken. Sometimes a lamp would be smashed to pieces. The small pieces of glass that once had been one of the few lights in her life were gone. Her hand would hurt, there were shards of glass cutting the soft flesh. She would stare at her hand, not doing anything while blood ran down her arm. The blood reminded her of something. Something important.

            There was a way to end it.

            Other times classmates claimed she hurt someone. But she would never do that. Didn't they see her attempts at being courteous no matter how terrible they were to her? Was someone else doing it? Was someone else trying to kill her? Deep down though, she was glad that they were hurt. She couldn't fight back but maybe someone else could. Were they protecting her? 

**_"The people making fun of me, for no reason, the jealousy,"_**

****It was not only the classmates that were cruel to her. There was _her. The red haired woman who hovered over her, hating her every moment that she could. Hotaru had something that she could never have. Not ever. But did that stop the Red Lady? Of course not. Hotaru had to deal with the strutting way that she did everything. As if she had any real power. Hotaru wanted to show her real power. _

            She wanted the Red Lady to bleed. Maybe one day she would wake up from the darkness and the Red Lady would be the thing broken to pieces on the floor. Pieces of her still cutting into Hotaru's hand. But there would be no pain and no fear of what else she might have done, as long as she killed that woman. How would the Red Lady be able to sneer at her then?

            No one day she would awake and those eyes full of the same cruelty she saw in her classmates would be no more. And it was sickening to have that sort of hope. It was sickening that she wanted to destroy the Red Lady. She wanted to destroy them all. How dare they treat her this way? But did she ever fight back? Why wasn't she allowed to fight back? Something holding her back, not letting her give into the thoughts that could end up destroying a person's soul.

**_"I fantasize about my death, I kill myself from holding my breath,"_**

****And still the thought came to her. Why deal with any of it for one moment? Why not end it all? What was stopping her? Something that haunted her while she dreamed. Something she could barely explain. It was as if a voice was whispering to her, telling her to hold on a little longer. Only a little longer. It would be time to awake soon. The voice did not seem full of empty promises but only some strange hope. 

            The voice was not the only thing that haunted her in her sleep. 

            It was a pair of eyes. A pair of eyes that seemed ageless. They were watchful as if seeing everything, watching over all humanity. But Hotaru did not know these eyes. She didn't understand what they wanted. What were they watching for? Were they waiting for something? What could they be waiting for? Why so patiently? No one, not even those eyes, so dark, so beautiful could understand what it was that Hotaru wanted.

            Above the death of the Red Lady, all red from the sticky blood that would pour from her body, above her classmates finally ending the ever present torture, instruments made to harm were nothing compared to their words, above being able to not feel the need to be so weak defenseless, and above those eyes answering the questions that she wanted desperately to ask.

            She never wanted to wake up from the darkness again.

**_"My suicidal dream,"_**

****The darkness was full of things that she couldn't explain. The silence that was so loud, it roared in her ears and sucked in her screams while she was tormented. A dark lady stood over her frail form and laughed triumphantly. Had she won? Probably, Hotaru was no match for anyone. 

            Sometimes all it would be was that woman, laughing though Hotaru shouldn't have been able to hear her over the endless silence. It didn't bother her then. It was better there, so much better. It was safe and nothing could get to her. Nothing could harm her.

            But sometimes, there were other things in that darkness. Other things trying to get to her. It was a terrifying roll of the dice. Would she end up lucky when finally the darkness took over for good?

**_"Voices telling me what to do,"_**

            The darkness wanted things from her. No, the darkness was a place of healing, with it's silence to make sure that nothing could harm her. But sometimes it couldn't keep them out. It wasn't the darkness, but other entities that wanted something from her. Always a different voice. Who were these voices?

            _"Give in for you cannot hope to defeat me!"_

_            "Free me…free me and it will be the end."_

_            "You must do your duty."_

The one who seemed to think they were at war was always a cruel voice, a woman's voice that hissed like acid at the other two voices. Giving in, it felt like it would be easiest. Who knew what it wanted? And who cared? She was dying anyways, wasn't she? The dizzy spells, the weak condition of her body, as if there was only some last little bit trying to grasp onto fading threads.

            The other one. She promised an end. That voice was so strong and sounded full of it's own bravery. She loved that one. The familiarity of it. Perhaps it was a voice she had heard before? Her mother's voice? Her mother who had died in that fire so long ago that Hotaru could just barely remember her. She closed her eyes to think of the faint memory she had. A woman with long hair, wavy and pretty. Was that the one who promised her the greatest relief she could ask for? 

            The last voice was a great mystery, beyond the other two. It always came with those piercing eyes. You couldn't escape from them. They were responsibility, they were duty, they were patience, they were the wisdom that one can only have from age. How many ages were hiding in those eyes? Sometimes they could be the eyes of an old woman, one beyond normal human years. Other times they were sad and young, hurt that they could do nothing. Do nothing to save her.

**_"My suicidal dream,"_**

****Sometimes beyond the voices, there were other things in the darkness. Vividly she could describe the physical tortures that would not appear when she awoke but she would swear were real. Nails from ugly gnarled hands raking across her pale skin, long angry red marks would appear. She would cry out in pain but the silence didn't let her. It was suffocating. They would rake across her body again, this time a little deeper, blood appeared.

            Each time they would scratch across it would be deeper and more painful. Soon they were shredding her skin to pieces while laughter echoed in her ears. It hurt. But at the same time, the pain made other emotions go away. You didn't feel sad when they were peeling your skin off in long strips. You didn't feel sad when they were opening you up and eating heart before sewing up the wound with a needle that resembled one that you would use for knitting, the thick coarse thread ripping through the flesh, causing them to start over. 

            Other times she would be trying to escape the hands. The hands that would reach up and grab her, pulling her down into a world of pain that they had created just for her. But sometimes the things they did were far more unpleasant then just killing her, slowly, painfully. 

            Sometimes high pitched shrieks of pleasure were heard from the faceless monsters who attacked her as they violated her body. She would scream and scream but that never did stop them. They would whisper things that should have been drowned out in the silence but never were. 

            _"So sweet…so sweet tasting…"_

_            "She won't be able to escape for long…"_

**_"I'm sure you will get yours too,"_**

****When the darkness and silence were the only things there, it was a paradise, a sanctuary. But every day, every time the darkness took over, it seemed less likely that it would be able to protect her. There was something else that would protect her in the darkness. It was a rare occurrence but it was comforting. 

            They would be eating her eyeballs but she could somehow still see all around her. Then a soft sound was heard in the darkness, ripping through the silence and stilling it for a little bit. Suddenly there would be a flash of metal, a blade that she recognized, hated, feared, and didn't know all at once. The demons would shriek in fear before it came whirling down on them. Who was holding the blade? Who was driving away the tormenters?

            She looked up at the figure holding the weapon. Her eyes would widen and she would wake up from the shock every time. 

            There was no one else there.

            She herself was holding it.

**_"Help me, comfort me, stop me from feeling what I'm feeling now,"_**

****Sometimes she did not feel hopeless and lost. When her father was around, she was suddenly behind a great shield of love and safety. He could keep out the darkness, he could make all the nightmares go away. He would never let anything bad happen to her or give her over to the darkness. No, her father made her feel strong. He made her feel as though maybe one day it was over.

            He gave her hope and love when he was around. 

            That was the key though. _When_ he was around. Often he wouldn't be because of his work. Hotaru was always curious about what he did but whenever she asked he waved her off telling her that she wouldn't be interested in it or that it was really boring. 

            "It's all chemical equations and all the boring stuff that no one else wants to do." Her father would say, shaking his head a little. "Tell me about school Hotaru."

            And she would tell him. She would tell him about the other kids hating her and how she wanted to stay home and get a tutor. He'd always pat her head and tell her that Mugen was the very best school of all and he didn't want anything less for her. She wondered if he really listened to her, or even guessed how unhappy she was. Why should he? His work was far more important then she could be.

**_"The rope is here, now I'll find a use," _**

****There might have been a reason why he wasn't home much. Maybe she reminded him too much of the wife he once had and so he decided that anything was better then a constant reminder of it hanging over his head. The Red Lady always interrupted any of Hotaru and her father's conversations. Pure envy crossing those cruel eyes as she saw Hotaru's father comforting her. 

            "There's an emergency at the lab." She'd tell him, a slight smile twitching at the corners of her mouth. 

            "We'll talk about this later, alright Hotaru?" Her father got up and walked away. But by the next time they talked, he had forgotten the previous conversation. She would nod her head glumly, hoping that this time when he said he'd only be gone for an hour, he'd really be back in an hour. 

            "Go to your room and get some rest." The Red Lady snapped at her. "Come on you freak, I'm not going to sit here all night waiting."

            Defiance would flair up in Hotaru. But that didn't matter, because she could easily be batted down. She wished she was strong enough to really hold her ground against the Red Lady. Why was it always important that Hotaru was well rested? As if it mattered to that woman whether Hotaru was alive or not. The Red Lady wanted her out of the picture because the woman had her eyes set on one goal in life. The one person she would do anything for. 

            But Tomoe Souichi did not care for anyone but his daughter. 

**_"I'll kill myself, I'll put my head in a noose,"_**

****And Hotaru was the one who suffered from it. Pushing her down was so easy and she hated herself for it. She wanted to feel something, anything other then her constant pain that slowly crept up her soul like the edge of paper burning to later consume the entire sheet. She was dying in her head. 

            It was odd for a human to not physically die but still be dead. A ghost of a person who walked about as unfeeling as the ice that they emulated. She wanted to lock herself away in a place where no one could find her. If only the darkness would keep the monsters out. But perhaps there was a different sort of darkness that could keep them out. 

            She opened her eyes to see herself at the bottom of the stairs. When she black out she must have fallen. Funny, it wasn't the usual darkness this time. She hadn't gone back to the place of silence. No, it was just black. Was that what it was like to die? Just blackness? She could deal with that. The Red Lady was nowhere in sight, not goading Hotaru about what she had broken. It was too much to hope that she was dead. Hotaru felt a soft breeze play across her face. She gazed upwards.

            The night sky, with stars winking down at her, filled her vision. There was a hole in the roof. Surely this had nothing to do with her. Of course, somehow it would be blamed on her. There was only one thing to do. Go up to her room and go to bed. She could pretend she had no idea what had happened. Why, she had been asleep this whole time. But there was something in one of her hands. 

            A gnarled ugly hand with long fingernails. She saw flashes of it and the hand that would come into the darkness and clawed her skin. The same? Different? Did it matter? Hotaru threw it across the room, staring at it as if it might come alive and start attacking her. She got up and winced in pain. Her back hurt badly. Quickly she made her way to the bathroom that had large mirrors in it so she could see her back. The long red marks felt as painful as they looked. Had the things that sometimes appeared in the darkness come for her? Hotaru ran to her room, locking the door behind her. 

**_"My suicidal dream,"_**

****She had to escape, she had to do something. As soon as she took another step though, the room went out of focus, the roaring beginning to build up in her ears.

            _No…oh no…please…not again…_

The darkness was there again. It was black but above her was a small patch with stars, as if a hole had been punched in it like the roof. Hotaru started to reach up towards the hole, maybe she could climb out before something bad happened. Something bad was going to happen. But something grabbed hold of her hair and yanked down. The silhouette of the triumphant laughing woman was there. Hair floating out behind her for quite some distance. How could she be silhouetted in darkness? Nothing in this realm made sense.

            "Tomoe Hotaru, I'm going to tell you a secret." The woman turned towards her, the same hissing voice that always told her to give in. The woman was breaking the silence. When Hotaru made no move to say anything she continued. "In this realm…you are always in control."

            But that wasn't right. She had never been in control. She couldn't make it go away and she couldn't make anything stop or start again. It was a lie. An odd lie, to tell someone they were in control when they never were.

            "It used to be peaceful and then you began to let the demons in." The voice held a hint of taunting. No, Hotaru tried to scream but it didn't make one sound. No, I never would. "Because you like the pain, don't you? You like the pain and want your life to be over."

**_"Voices telling me what to do,"_**

****The roaring had stopped. Hotaru didn't even notice the disappearance of silence which only meant one thing. Did she like the pain? When the ugly monsters were doing their terrible deeds, Hotaru couldn't feel her loneliness. She could only feel herself almost about to die. And dying would make her happy. 

            "Go!" A strong voice rang out and the weapon appeared, meaning that someone had come to her rescue from the echoing laughter. The silhouette stopped laughing, obviously taken aback by this turn of events. It disappeared but the silence didn't return. Instead she heard faint whispering, two voices trying to tell her things.

            _"Destruction."_

_            "Death."_

_            "Duty."_

_            "Destruction."_

_            "Death." _

_            "Duty."_

_            "Worlds."_

_            "People."_

_            "Evil."_

_            "Don't."_

_            "Please."_

_            "Listen."_

_            "Silence."_

_            "Silence."_

_            "Silence."_

_            "Destruction."_

_            "Death."_

_            "Duty."_

She put her hands over her ears. She feared their words. She feared what they were saying. Somewhere she knew exactly what they were trying to tell her but she was blocking most of it out. Who were they? If this was her realm, where she was in control, then they could go. They could leave.

            "Get out!" The scream echoed and the whispering was cut off.

**_"My suicidal dream,"_**

            The high pitched shrieks and wails of the demons waiting in the shadows made her angry. The voices had left, then why wouldn't they? Why were they here? Where was her silence? Where was her darkness that was like death? She wanted to die! She didn't want anymore pain. The roaring picked up once more, screaming in her ears as everything else disappeared. The darkness was different. There was a light. Two lights. No, three. Now there were many lights. 

            Where had she seen these lights before? 

            Flitting, fluttering, soon they were next to her. They were fireflies. She reached out to touch one. As soon as her fingertips touched it, it flew to the ground, its light dying with it. Why had it died? Did she kill it? Was her touch that poisonous? The fireflies flitted away and she chased them. She chased them through the darkness. When she caught up with them, they were flying around a memory, cast in front of her like a movie theater. A man, a woman, and their little baby girl.

            "Let's go to the park." 

            "I think Hotaru likes that idea, don't you kiddo?"

            "Oh don't throw her!"

            "I'm not going to drop her."

            It was so beautiful and happy. Hotaru wanted that to be reality. Two parents who were around to care for her and make sure she wasn't unhappy. Being so young and innocent that the whole world seemed to always work that way. She was mesmerized by it. 

**_"I'm sure you will get yours too,"_**

****There was a ripping noise as something burst from the middle of the image, the memory evaporating around it. She was terrified and shocked from being pulled away from the happiness that was that image. Sticking out towards her was something far different.

            The same silver blade, in the shape of a skinny G. The polearm was made for killing. It was made for destroying things. Hotaru wanted to hide behind the memories and hide behind everything because she knew that the moment that the polearm was taken into her own hands it would be the end.

            Was it sent by that strong voice? It was an end that she had promised. But she ran from it. Ran as far as she could into the darkness. Anything was better then that thing, that herald of doom. Why her? Why did she have to be different from everyone? Was it something she had done? 

            She fell to her knees and sobbingly apologized over and over again to whoever was listening. Forgiveness. Let all her suffering stop.  

**_"Dreaming, about my death,"_**

****But nothing listened and she awakened once more. The room to her floor was littered with glass again. Three lamps smashed about and glass cutting into her. She felt a pain she couldn't place in her mouth. Her fingers felt the inside tenderly as to not cause to much more pain. Cutting into the very back of her mouth, the soft part of the roof, was a sharp shard of glass. She pulled it out, the blood immediately flowing down her throat. The metallic taste reminded her of that weapon. That polearm that had ripped through her happiness.

            A thought crossed her mind as she slowly picked herself up, her knees buckling terribly. She went towards her bed, lifting up the covers and before climbing in, vomiting on the new clean white sheets. She fell back down to the ground, sobbing, vomiting, and bleeding everywhere.

            That blade was made of something more then metal. It was made of tears and blood. Destruction, chaos, disorder, and death. That blade was the end. The end of everything. And in that darkness, had she not held it in her hands while scaring away the demons who were attacking her? That's why she was being punished. 

            It was not something she had done. It was something she was going to do.

**_"Suicidal, suicidal, suicidal dream,"_**

****She wasn't going to do it. Not now. No, she would end her suffering and she would stop the punishment. She wanted to hold onto the happy memories. She wanted to hold onto that one moment of pure bliss that was never going to occur again. No happiness could come to her. She would kill it.

            It would die as soon as she touched it, as sure as that firefly that had dropped down to the ground. There was hammering on her door, The Red Lady telling her to stop lazing about and get out of bed. Hotaru couldn't speak with her mouth filled with blood and bile. Nor could she move, too weak to stand and walk. Too weak even to crawl. Blood began to fall from her nose, dribbling down to her mouth and down her chin. Hotaru didn't bother to wipe any of it away, wondering if she would drowned in her own blood. If she was lucky that was.

            Instead the door flew open and at the sight, the Red Lady's nostrils flared in irritation, as if it was clearly Hotaru's own fault for all the glass and blood and vomit. It was true in a way. It was all her fault. 

            "This is disgusting!" The Red Lady stormed across the room and struck Hotaru across the face. Blood flew and spattered against the wall. "You disgusting freak! Clean this up!" 

            Hotaru knew that she had hit her because it wouldn't make a difference after all the blood. The Red Lady would lie and be able to escape any sort of punishment and Hotaru reprimanded for giving her such a hard time. But still the lavender eyed girl could not move an inch. She felt dead. Why wasn't she? Why was she still conscious? Her eyes closed and she could hear a male voice. Was it her father? Did it make a difference? 

            They cleaned her up, whoever they happened to be. They fixed her, healing her, and making sure that she was getting stronger. They didn't really understand how the affliction was caused. What the disease was.

            The illness was living. The cure was death.****

**_"Suicidal, suicidal dream." _**

****They had let her go outside and enjoy the fresh air. It was hard for her to breath. She was wasting away outside under the sun. She longed for her happy memory. A park. Yes, she would go to a park and that is where she would end it. In the midst of happiness so for once in all these years of pain, she might feel a little bit of that warm feeling. 

            Unfortunately her affliction was hindering her. Her body was far too weak for her to do this. She sat down to rest on a bench. After her breathing stopped being labored, she knew she could make it to the pond and just fall into the cold waters. She would wait until no one was watching so she could do it secretly without being saved. Why had they saved her from all that blood? Couldn't they let an ugly corpse finally keep its home of shattered glass and bile?

            Yes it was time now. Time for her to get up and not feel anymore pain. It would be so beautiful. Then shouting made her look up. A hat went floating by, carried by the light breeze. A person chasing after it. A kindness took hold of her and instead of ignoring the whole thing, going to the last thing that would embrace her, she stood up, chasing after it. The hat keeping ahead of her like the fireflies. Maybe it could lead her back to that feeling, that memory. 

            After that, she could die peacefully.

*                                              *                                              *

            Um…wow. Okay so that was a little…erm…weird. Well I can only hope that it was liked by you wonderful reviewers out there. I know how it was a little odd that I referred to Kaolinite as "The Red Lady" but I felt weird actually using her name in this. I dunno, call it a whim. Well I got another idea for a songfic and I think I'm going to write it now. 


End file.
